why i do what i do.

having a chronic illness changes every aspect of your life. 
For example, today my counsler and teacher came to my house to discuss graduation .
I'm far behind, and since I can't go to school, its more than likely I won't graduate with my class. 
Bummer yes. My original plan before I got sick was to enter the ROC program for teachers assistant along with 8th period.
Of course, that went all down the drain this summer.
I'm thinking about going to discovery, but its hard to make a decision because I want to graduate with my class but I can't :/

more than my education is affected though.
The way I do my makeup as well.
I now were face makeup whenever I go out because I'm so pale.
I wear red lipstick because somehow my lip color went away too? 
I carry a purse everywhere, not because I have money but I need to carry salty snacks and powerade to keep me from fainting. 
So if it seems as if I'm trying to make a fashion statement I'm not hahah c; 
Believe me, I wish I didn't have to do what I do. 

Having dystautonomia is tricky..
I'm okay though I'm just happy I'm alive. 
Now you see all the methods to my madness!(:

(:

I can't sleep and its almost 1 in the morning.

a great symptom of POTS.

you know, I'm starting to notice my symptoms more and more now as I get more familiar with my desiese.

for one, I look so pale.
sickly almost, its kinda ugly.
I'm always thirsty.
no matter how much gatorade I drink, its never enough for this bod. I live my day minute by minute.
the way I feel changes constantly.

for instance, the other day I stood up to help my mom and then it felt as if my body slowed down and my heart was ahead of the race.

I passed out for 35 mins with the whole family trying to revive me.

POTS does everything but make life easier.

I'm tired.
tired of drinking gatorade.
tired of looking sick.
tired of getting IV's every 4 days.
tired of explaining it to people.

but it doesn't matter.
I have to live with this the rest of my life, and I will.

easy or not, I have God by my side to help me <3

getting better (:

if you've followed me throughout my journey you know its been filled with hopes. 

the hope to run one day.
the hope to repay everyone who has helped me.
the hope to regain everything I've lost.
but most of all, the hope to help those who are just like me.

i'm happy to say i am running again. of course, not as good as i used to be but i'm determined to get back to it. i understand everything takes work, and i'm willing to do what it takes. 

unfortunately , i haven't regained everything.

i'm still on home studies. hopefully when i get my new medication, it'll do me wonders and ill be able to go back to school.

sometimes i still feel sick, and believe it or not, i can feel when my blood isn't flowing well through my veins. it's painful to say the least, but definitely nothing compared to how it was in the beginning. 

im grateful because i've come a long way through my journey. i feel a little bit normal now, not so sick.

sometimes i forget i have a chronic illness. 

then there are the days where i can't seem to forget. 

well the one person i owe all my thank you's to are God. without him i wouldn't have come this far, or gained the support i did. my situation is life long, but livable. 

oh yea, and i cant forget my momma.

shes the one who takes care of me when i'm literally down.

who rub's my legs to get my blood going, and of course the one who hasn't backed down no matter how hard it's gotten. 

thank you<3 

not feelin it ..

so if you follow me, you know I've been on a 34 day streak of not fainting or feeling sick at all.

well that all came to an end today. I was just walking around my house, and then i had to open the door for my grandma. as I walked over I had to catch myself on the couch & then lay down because it felt as if my whole body slowed down.

of course, with my grandma being old and mexican she thought I just didn't want to help her! haha, gotta love her :p

anyways, since we learned that my fainting is due to the lack of blood flow from the veins in my legs to my heart, my mom raised my legs up on the couch and rubbed them for me.

sounds silly huh? well it is.
I'm disappointed to say the least. so much emotion ran through me, I cried a little yea, but I wiped them away and smiled when I was able to get up.

I was sad, it seemed as though my summer flashed through my head. the summer of the hospital and constant ER trips. I'm just scared its going to happen again..

but God was by my side and he reminded me that he is not a God of fear. he's taken it away and replaced it with hope.

I couldn't do it without him <3
hopefully things only go up from here!